July 4th. 2019

I’m not counting how many days I’m sober anymore. Seems like eventually it will just be a let down. May something, probably about 2 months now.

4th of July has always been one of my favorite holidays. Swim, tan, drink….and then drunk. I truly don’t know how to do this today. T.H. even said no one else will be drinking, but it literally has nothing to do with anyone else. It’s all me. All me.

I was supposed to work all day today and go to the party later for fireworks but something happened at the salon and I’m not able to get in today. So now I really have to go to the family party. I should want to be with my family on a holiday. Honestly all I want to do is stay in bed and watch my shows. I don’t want to bring the dog cause I think he’d be more comfortable at home with the fireworks going off.

I just want to be alone.

We’re going out of town this weekend. That’s another reason I was going to work all day today, to have some fun money. Now that fun money isn’t an option anymore.

I just feel like nothing ever works out right. Why can’t I just be normal and happy?

Sorry for the bitch fest so early. I just had to get it off my chest. I hope everyone has a great holiday and be safe. I won’t be drinking, but this girl here is gonna be tan as hell by Monday. 👙🌞

Wtf is going on

I made a doctors appointment. I’m not feeling good lately. Not in a physically sick way but in an emotional way. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety years and years ago. But something is off. I’ve been having so many highs and lows lately. I don’t think it’s from quitting drinking (well maybe a little) but I think when I drank I could turn the lows into highs. I hate this feeling. When I’m at work I can turn it all off. Focus on my client and nothing else. But then I get in the car, come home and I’m all over the place. I feel overwhelmed with the smallest of tasks. I have so much to do, so I do nothing instead.

I’ve been on many different antidepressants before but something always goes wrong with them. Also there’s a lot I cannot take because of my surgery. Things don’t digest the same for me the way they do for someone with a normal stomach. The meds either work for a while and I don’t think I need them so wean off and then the withdrawals are awful, or when I take them I’m numb, or have horrible horrible nightmares. Every damn night. To the point where I try not to sleep because I don’t want to enter that world again. I hate the meds. I hope the Dr has a different idea. Other than therapy. Hate that too. Running out of options. I know.

I’ve been doing some searching online (I know, I know) and one thing keeps popping out. Bipolar disorder. I’m scared of this diagnosis for a few reasons. One, more meds. Two, it’s hereditary. It does happen to run in my family so it could very much make sense. This also means I could pass it down to my boys. It could already be in their blood. I just had to make the older son an appointment for a therapist because he’s sad all the time. I’m so thankful we are close enough that he talked to me about it. Not before the school psychologist called to tell me, though.

I often wonder if it’s my fault. Am I fucking up so bad around here my kids are seeing it? They probably are. And I hate myself even more for it.

I’m not sure what to do here. I guess making the appointment with my doctor is the first step. But UGH, it’s 10:00am on a Tuesday morning and I could use a drink. I won’t, but God….I miss it.

Summer Goals

Well, my New Year’s resolution was a bust. I don’t even remember what it was but I know not much has changed since December 31st. So now as we head into summer months, I have a few goals and they will be my mid-year’s resolutions.

1. I NEED to get back into Ketosis. I feel miserable eating all the junk food I have been eating. The transition into Keto is a dick and a half, but once I can fight through that Keto Flu, I know I will feel so much better. I’m 20 lbs from my goal weight. I got this, duh.

2. Start working out again, already! My brother is an amazing trainer and he knows the amount of stress and anxiety I’ve been dealing with, so he’s having me come to his boxing class tomorrow. I can’t wait to beat the crap out of something. Doesn’t even matter what. Give me some gloves and point me towards a bag, a person, shit…give me a tree. I’m gonna take some anger out on it. At least I can do that instead of lunging at my arch nemesis in the grocery store and get asked not to come back (not as if that happened recently or anything). Gimme something to hit. I think it will help.

3. Get my business up and going. Well, it’s up. I need to fill my books. I’ll advertise, I’ll solicit, I’ll do whatever it takes, but when I quit the corporate world I promised myself I would make this work, and be successful. I need this to work. Doing hair is honestly my passion. I love it. I dream about ideas. How many people can say that 20 years into their career? I can. I love it. I’m great at it. I need to make this a success. And I will.

4. Fix my relationships. There’s so many I have to repair. I could scroll through my contacts and write apology letters to so many people. Although I have so many individual things to apologize and ask for forgiveness for, they will all end the same. “I’m sorry I am a shitty friend (sister/daughter/mother/wife). I’m sorry I left you when I should have been by you. I’m sorry I put my own needs above you needing me. I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’m sorry I’m a drunk. I’m trying to get better. I miss you. I love you.” The very last line should ask “please forgive me.” I think I’m too scared to put that one in there. I know a lot of them won’t want to, or can’t forgive me.

5. This one is going to be the absolute hardest. Quit hating myself. Not sure what it’s going to take for this to happen. Maybe if I fix the other ones this will be a little easier. I know there’s that saying “you can’t love anyone else unless you love yourself.” Well, I’m calling bullshit. I love so many people in my life. That’s WHY I need to try to forgive and love myself.

Hopefully this summer I can work on these. Maybe even be successful with them. While getting a nice tan, of course.

Teach me how to walk again…

I am such a baby. I know that. I am awful with physical pain and emotional pain. I promise you that’s why I got into every single addiction problem in my life, whether it was food, pills or alcohol. The tiniest hint of me being slightly uncomfortable and I needed to make that feeling go away, no matter what.

It’s weird, when you have your babies, or growing up, you remember all the big milestones. Rolling over, sitting up, walking, talking. Well, friends….here’s my proof of what a baby I am.

I’m don’t feel good. I’m sick, waaaah. I have the fifth migraine of my entire life. I’m being a big ole BABY.

I felt myself getting super crabby the last few days but it wasn’t until I woke up at 2am this morning with the feeling someone was sitting on me trying to squeeze my brains out of my ears like trying to pop a damn zit. I tossed around for an hour. Then I somehow from two rooms away caught a whiff of one of my teenage sons’ BO. Nope. Nopety nope, NOPE. I had to actually jump out of bed so fast I tripped on whatever was on the floor and *crawl* to the toilet. Puked for 5 minutes. Nothing to puke up…realized I haven’t eaten more than a few bites in the last 48 hours. This continues until 11:30am. I finally get the strength to put on pants, my glasses, and chapstick cause my lips are peeling now. I’m getting dehydrated.

Force a Gatorade, a handful of Pizza flavored Goldfish, and an anti-nausea pill down.

Guys…..here’s the milestone. I don’t remember how to deal with not feeling good. I don’t remember how to be sick! If I had a migraine or any other minor pains I could have a few drinks and made that the excuse. If I had a cold or cough, whiskey always helped it. So now, I am forced to feel the pain and how much “being uncomfortable” is.

Hate it. I know this is how normal people without addiction issues actually live. But here I literally feel like a baby that is learning how to walk or something. I don’t know to do this. TH and the kids are at a family party because I could barely walk down the stairs from the dizziness. What a comparison. “Be careful! Don’t fall down!”

I can’t “walk” yet. I’m working on it. But I’m still learning, and I don’t want to fall.

Puff, puff…..Thanks.

Ok, this is gonna be a different kind of post. I’m not struggling with being sober today. I’m not struggling with anxiety at the moment. I don’t need a drink and I don’t need a Xanax. Why?

Cause I’m high.

Yep, I put down the vodka. I put down the pills. I took two puffs an hour ago. I don’t work today. TH is home. Kids are safe. I am finally able to relax.

Why the hell this is barely legal, but the poison that almost made my body shut down is….I don’t know.

Anyway….nice fun blog (at least for me!) instead of another dark one.

🌱🌿🌱🌿

Friends.

41 days since I was admitted into the hospital for pancreatitis, gastritis, and a bunch of other shit. I had so many directions to follow when they let me out.

*lots of fluids

*bland, low fat diet

*more fluids

*no alcohol

Ugh yuck. I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying SO hard to not drink. I slipped on Memorial Day with a few sips. Nothing since. Few puffs on some weed here and there but that won’t kill me the way that booze will. Trying to take the edge off with that instead of vodka or Xanax. It really does help, although TH has definitely pointed out that I’m spacey and probably frying my memory. I guess I’m in a lose/lose situation.

Something I’ve totally noticed being sober is all of my friendships. I have about 4 groups right off the top of my head that I can think of. Prior to getting sober…I just had friends. No groups; no differences.

1. My drunk friends. These are the friends that I have SO much fun with! The best. This does not mean that *they* are drunk. This means that I am, and these are the people I can call or text at 10pm, 12am, hell…2am and ask what they are doing and we meet up somewhere. And we have the BEST time. We laugh so hard it hurts. We cry from laughing and telling our old childhood stories. I think we might say goodnight? Maybe not. Maybe we blackout. Maybe they don’t, but I do.

2. The Helpers. I think I have one or two. And if they read this, they know who they are. It’s the ones that had fun with me, but watched me fall. They wanted to help me. They wanted to help me SO. MANY. TIMES…..no one could help me but me. I know that and I wish they did too. I know they feel bad they couldn’t fix me. We all had a ton of fun together. I did this on my own, guys. Please don’t EVER put guilt on yourself.

3. The One & Only Best Friend….girl, you know who you are. Ever since we met at my beauty school. If you only knew what you were getting into with this mess. My god, we have soooooo many stories and laughs. If I think about all the trouble we’ve gotten into together over the last 15 years I’ll die laughing. All the inside jokes (haven’t picked up the mail yet), the actual heartbreak. The tears. Thank you for never judging me even when you told me you didn’t think I had a problem, but knew there was. I love you forever, LM.

4. The new friends. Starting this blog has helped me and been more therapeutic to me than any counseling or doctors appointments. I’ve had strangers reach out to me and thank me for putting things into words that they can’t…wow!!! I will forever be thankful and I appreciate every single word you say to me. There’s also a few people there that I’ve been friends with since before I got sober. Now that I am, we’ve become so much closer. Please know, I couldn’t do this without you. Your friendship and support has literally gotten me through this crap. You know who you are.

I’m sorry it’s been a while before I posted. I’m getting back on it. Thanks for reading.

What a day, what a day.

This morning was weird. I woke up and came downstairs to finish a season of a show on Netflix that I started (last night, no judgement). I’m sitting there and actually paused the TV.

It’s odd the things you notice when you’re not drinking and trying to put your thoughts somewhere else.

All I could hear was the washing machine. Not just the washer going, but it’s cycle. The swooshing. The water filling up on the rinse cycle.

You know when the clouds cover the sun and the room gets dark for a minute? Those clouds moved and the sun came out, and as I looked at the window over the kitchen sink, I saw my hand lotion bottle. The sun was peaking through it and I saw it’s only half full. If that wasn’t the universe telling me something, I don’t know what is.

We went to a graduation/birthday party today. I had a hard time going. If it weren’t for how much I loved these kids, I would have stayed home. As we are getting ready I told TH we wouldn’t be staying long. “How come?” he asks me. I explained I’m not ready for parties yet. His response? “We can’t hide forever.”

It’s been 29 days.

I know that I’ve done this to myself. I do. But shit, I wish I didn’t. I know there is something wrong with me, and I wish there wasn’t. I wish I could be normal, but I can’t.

29 days isn’t forever. 3 months isn’t forever. A year isn’t forever. TEN years isn’t forever. But 29 days…..I need some help. I need some solid, home base support.

We go to the party. There was a lot said between TH and I this morning but I know it’s my own problem. Not his. No one else’s. Unfortunately, there’s no more 29 days.

Tomorrow is day 1.

I slipped.

At the party I saw some wine and I grabbed a glass. I poured it. And I sipped it. Not a lot. Just a few sips. My friend saw and came over, grabbed it, dumped it and filled the glass with water. She didn’t say a word. She didn’t have to.

I fucked up.

Everyone came in the house to sing Happy Birthday. TH walks in, and I said “I’m having a glass of wine” even though it was only water at that point. He had to know I flushed the last month of sobriety down the shitter.

I’ll spare you the details, but this was one of the biggest fights we’ve had in 22 years. Long story short, I was told about everything I’ve put him and my kids through. How my kids had to take care of me when I passed out at my brother’s wedding last year. How he always has to take care of me. How they have been having to deal with this way longer than I have.

What kills me, is every single other person in my life is asking how I’m doing with not drinking. My parents. My brothers. My best friends. I told him “I need you to ask me how I’m doing. I need you to ask if I’m ok. I need your support.”

“I shouldn’t have to ask you every 10 minutes if you’re ok”

Ok, fair enough.

Me: “Maybe in the beginning I do need you to ask me. Ask me a lot. Ask me if I’m ok.”

His response was “then you need a babysitter, not a husband.”

Ouch.

Hopefully tomorrow, Day 1, will be better.

Bullshit.

So it’s been 25 days since my last drink. It’s been 3 weeks and 2 days since I went into the hospital and found out I had pancreatitis and liver damage. I tried to chalk it up to my Keto diet, but duh, it was from me being an alcoholic.

So please forgive me that I think this is ridiculous that I wake up today with the same intense pains in my left side that put me into the hospital a month ago came back with a vengeance. What. The. Hell.

It could be something else, right? Maybe I pulled something in my back. Maybe I am finally getting my period after the bitch has been a no-show for two months and I’m getting cramps. Maybe I ate something bad….oh no. Nope. These were all the same things I was telling myself the last time. But the pain is the same. The location is the same. The symptoms are exactly the same.

I put in a call to the gastroenterologist that did my scope last month at 9am sharp this morning. Maybe I can get ahead of it this time.

Even though there’s no booze in my system this time.

It’s now almost midnight and no call back. Luckily, one of my best friends is a nurse and told me what I should do. Back on a bland, low fat diet….clear liquids if I can. Lol yeah right. Been living off saltines and Gatorade all day. I puke anything else up so why even bother…

She told me that I most likely won’t here from the Dr in the next few days, especially since it’s a holiday weekend. I might hear from the office nurse to set up an appointment in the next few weeks, but “if it gets too bad” to go back to the emergency room.

I’m so thankful for her honesty. Cause I am NOT going back to see *Sandy* again. They’ll see I’m all sorts of fucked up and keep me for days. Well….I’m booked for work this weekend. And I need the money. So in the mean time…I’m having so much fun on this bland-ass diet. I’m drinking my detox water….I’m trying to get some relief out of the few expired pain pills I have in the back of the medicine cabinet.

As much as I know that quitting drinking is best for me, for my kids, for my marriage, for my wallet…..

This is still such absolute bullshit. I quit a month ago and now I’m right in the same place….without the fun part.

FU, Vodka.

Sleep

I’ve been having two really shitty issues going on lately. Actually waaaaay more than two if I’m being literal but right now, at midnight, sleep is the main issue.

1) I fall asleep and have awful nightmares all night. About everything and nothing.

2) I don’t actually fall asleep. I don’t sleep at all and stay awake all night, and act like a zombie the next day.

This is really weird because when I was drinking I slept GREAT. I’m sadly realizing now I wasn’t “falling asleep”. I was passing out.

Is this normal? It’s been almost a month! Shouldn’t this shit be done? Or is this how it’s always gonna be…

Obviously the mental issue will never go away. But this is physical, in my brain. I’m barely conscious so What. The. Fuck.

I wish there was an instruction manual on this ‘sober’ thing. Or someone to talk to for some real advice.

Ugh…there is. It’s called AA. I’ve been putting this off. Might need to. I have a few issues with AA….however I’m actually getting tired enough to maybe sleep.

The issues with me and AA will be posted tomorrow.

Am I Sober? Am I Clean? Or Neither?

Three weeks ago today I had my last drink.

It’s been awful. I feel like shit. I’m tired all the time. I’m shaky, I’m sore. I’m having trouble remembering conversations and situations. I’m nauseous all the time. I haven’t gotten my period in over 6 weeks. Have I broken my body? Have I fried that many of my brain cells?

I remembered a few things today. As far as the shakiness, the forgetfulness, the fatigue….I’ve been extremely anemic my entire life but way more since my gastric bypass. I was hospitalized in January from pneumonia and while I was there I needes 2 blood transfusions and 5 iron infusions. Over 7 days.

Actually took a pregnancy test yesterday because I realized how late I was. I’m *never* late. I can basically tell you what hour that bitch is coming. It was a day worth of stress and although I’m thankful I saw the “not pregnant” flashing….in a tiny way I was hoping it was positive. Not cause I want a baby. But because then I’d would have NO CHOICE but to not drink for the next 9 months.

I was anxious all last night. I’m sure it was because of that little roller coaster. Then I start wondering why don’t I have my period. Did I do that much damage to my body? Or almost worse….am I starting menopause??!! Fuck, that’s more than enough to make me start craving a drink… or ten.

Anyway I started thinking that I need a different way to cope with my stress and addiction tendencies. I wish I could have my middle brother’s brain and will power. While this sibling (hand raised as high as it gets) has her stomach stapled, he is the most dedicated, determined and in the best shape of anyone I know. Why can’t I just decide to be addicted to the gym and eating healthy?

Back on Keto tomorrow, of course.

Ok now here’s the big question. I know I’m done drinking. Can I smoke weed? Can I try to get my medical card? Or will that make me not sober anymore…

Is there a way to be sober from alcohol and not clean from marijuana? What if it’s the medicinal form? I can die from the booze. It was hurting my organs. The things I need to LIVE. If I’m being safe and legal with pot, am I still sober? Or does that take my sobriety away? I don’t know how this works. I mean if I’m on antidepressants and Xanax…am I clean? As long as I’m being safe, with my husband at home with me, I’m not driving….is this wrong? I’m not gonna die from taking the edge off with a few puffs from a vaporizer here and there. I could die from my liver and pancreas shutting down.

Tonight I am drinking plain-ass lemonade out of a wine glass. It’s not doing the trick but it’s helping. I felt kinda stupid but TH said his grandmother carried around a fake cigarette for 10 years after quitting smoking. So from me to you, as I take fake-ass sips of fake-ass vodka lemonade,

Clink. Cheers.