Vacation

Welp, we are here. T.H. and the boys are having- blast swimming. I’m working on my tan. Hopefully the weather keeps up.

Not gonna be a long post. All I know is it seems like everyone around me is drinking. In the pools, the chairs, the elevators.

I literally don’t know how to vacation without a drink. The LAST thing i want to do is ruin a family vacation pouting. But honestly. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

It’s haunting.

July 4th. 2019

I’m not counting how many days I’m sober anymore. Seems like eventually it will just be a let down. May something, probably about 2 months now.

4th of July has always been one of my favorite holidays. Swim, tan, drink….and then drunk. I truly don’t know how to do this today. T.H. even said no one else will be drinking, but it literally has nothing to do with anyone else. It’s all me. All me.

I was supposed to work all day today and go to the party later for fireworks but something happened at the salon and I’m not able to get in today. So now I really have to go to the family party. I should want to be with my family on a holiday. Honestly all I want to do is stay in bed and watch my shows. I don’t want to bring the dog cause I think he’d be more comfortable at home with the fireworks going off.

I just want to be alone.

We’re going out of town this weekend. That’s another reason I was going to work all day today, to have some fun money. Now that fun money isn’t an option anymore.

I just feel like nothing ever works out right. Why can’t I just be normal and happy?

Sorry for the bitch fest so early. I just had to get it off my chest. I hope everyone has a great holiday and be safe. I won’t be drinking, but this girl here is gonna be tan as hell by Monday. 👙🌞

Wtf is going on

I made a doctors appointment. I’m not feeling good lately. Not in a physically sick way but in an emotional way. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety years and years ago. But something is off. I’ve been having so many highs and lows lately. I don’t think it’s from quitting drinking (well maybe a little) but I think when I drank I could turn the lows into highs. I hate this feeling. When I’m at work I can turn it all off. Focus on my client and nothing else. But then I get in the car, come home and I’m all over the place. I feel overwhelmed with the smallest of tasks. I have so much to do, so I do nothing instead.

I’ve been on many different antidepressants before but something always goes wrong with them. Also there’s a lot I cannot take because of my surgery. Things don’t digest the same for me the way they do for someone with a normal stomach. The meds either work for a while and I don’t think I need them so wean off and then the withdrawals are awful, or when I take them I’m numb, or have horrible horrible nightmares. Every damn night. To the point where I try not to sleep because I don’t want to enter that world again. I hate the meds. I hope the Dr has a different idea. Other than therapy. Hate that too. Running out of options. I know.

I’ve been doing some searching online (I know, I know) and one thing keeps popping out. Bipolar disorder. I’m scared of this diagnosis for a few reasons. One, more meds. Two, it’s hereditary. It does happen to run in my family so it could very much make sense. This also means I could pass it down to my boys. It could already be in their blood. I just had to make the older son an appointment for a therapist because he’s sad all the time. I’m so thankful we are close enough that he talked to me about it. Not before the school psychologist called to tell me, though.

I often wonder if it’s my fault. Am I fucking up so bad around here my kids are seeing it? They probably are. And I hate myself even more for it.

I’m not sure what to do here. I guess making the appointment with my doctor is the first step. But UGH, it’s 10:00am on a Tuesday morning and I could use a drink. I won’t, but God….I miss it.

Summer Goals

Well, my New Year’s resolution was a bust. I don’t even remember what it was but I know not much has changed since December 31st. So now as we head into summer months, I have a few goals and they will be my mid-year’s resolutions.

1. I NEED to get back into Ketosis. I feel miserable eating all the junk food I have been eating. The transition into Keto is a dick and a half, but once I can fight through that Keto Flu, I know I will feel so much better. I’m 20 lbs from my goal weight. I got this, duh.

2. Start working out again, already! My brother is an amazing trainer and he knows the amount of stress and anxiety I’ve been dealing with, so he’s having me come to his boxing class tomorrow. I can’t wait to beat the crap out of something. Doesn’t even matter what. Give me some gloves and point me towards a bag, a person, shit…give me a tree. I’m gonna take some anger out on it. At least I can do that instead of lunging at my arch nemesis in the grocery store and get asked not to come back (not as if that happened recently or anything). Gimme something to hit. I think it will help.

3. Get my business up and going. Well, it’s up. I need to fill my books. I’ll advertise, I’ll solicit, I’ll do whatever it takes, but when I quit the corporate world I promised myself I would make this work, and be successful. I need this to work. Doing hair is honestly my passion. I love it. I dream about ideas. How many people can say that 20 years into their career? I can. I love it. I’m great at it. I need to make this a success. And I will.

4. Fix my relationships. There’s so many I have to repair. I could scroll through my contacts and write apology letters to so many people. Although I have so many individual things to apologize and ask for forgiveness for, they will all end the same. “I’m sorry I am a shitty friend (sister/daughter/mother/wife). I’m sorry I left you when I should have been by you. I’m sorry I put my own needs above you needing me. I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’m sorry I’m a drunk. I’m trying to get better. I miss you. I love you.” The very last line should ask “please forgive me.” I think I’m too scared to put that one in there. I know a lot of them won’t want to, or can’t forgive me.

5. This one is going to be the absolute hardest. Quit hating myself. Not sure what it’s going to take for this to happen. Maybe if I fix the other ones this will be a little easier. I know there’s that saying “you can’t love anyone else unless you love yourself.” Well, I’m calling bullshit. I love so many people in my life. That’s WHY I need to try to forgive and love myself.

Hopefully this summer I can work on these. Maybe even be successful with them. While getting a nice tan, of course.

Teach me how to walk again…

I am such a baby. I know that. I am awful with physical pain and emotional pain. I promise you that’s why I got into every single addiction problem in my life, whether it was food, pills or alcohol. The tiniest hint of me being slightly uncomfortable and I needed to make that feeling go away, no matter what.

It’s weird, when you have your babies, or growing up, you remember all the big milestones. Rolling over, sitting up, walking, talking. Well, friends….here’s my proof of what a baby I am.

I’m don’t feel good. I’m sick, waaaah. I have the fifth migraine of my entire life. I’m being a big ole BABY.

I felt myself getting super crabby the last few days but it wasn’t until I woke up at 2am this morning with the feeling someone was sitting on me trying to squeeze my brains out of my ears like trying to pop a damn zit. I tossed around for an hour. Then I somehow from two rooms away caught a whiff of one of my teenage sons’ BO. Nope. Nopety nope, NOPE. I had to actually jump out of bed so fast I tripped on whatever was on the floor and *crawl* to the toilet. Puked for 5 minutes. Nothing to puke up…realized I haven’t eaten more than a few bites in the last 48 hours. This continues until 11:30am. I finally get the strength to put on pants, my glasses, and chapstick cause my lips are peeling now. I’m getting dehydrated.

Force a Gatorade, a handful of Pizza flavored Goldfish, and an anti-nausea pill down.

Guys…..here’s the milestone. I don’t remember how to deal with not feeling good. I don’t remember how to be sick! If I had a migraine or any other minor pains I could have a few drinks and made that the excuse. If I had a cold or cough, whiskey always helped it. So now, I am forced to feel the pain and how much “being uncomfortable” is.

Hate it. I know this is how normal people without addiction issues actually live. But here I literally feel like a baby that is learning how to walk or something. I don’t know to do this. TH and the kids are at a family party because I could barely walk down the stairs from the dizziness. What a comparison. “Be careful! Don’t fall down!”

I can’t “walk” yet. I’m working on it. But I’m still learning, and I don’t want to fall.

Puff, puff…..Thanks.

Ok, this is gonna be a different kind of post. I’m not struggling with being sober today. I’m not struggling with anxiety at the moment. I don’t need a drink and I don’t need a Xanax. Why?

Cause I’m high.

Yep, I put down the vodka. I put down the pills. I took two puffs an hour ago. I don’t work today. TH is home. Kids are safe. I am finally able to relax.

Why the hell this is barely legal, but the poison that almost made my body shut down is….I don’t know.

Anyway….nice fun blog (at least for me!) instead of another dark one.

🌱🌿🌱🌿

Friends.

41 days since I was admitted into the hospital for pancreatitis, gastritis, and a bunch of other shit. I had so many directions to follow when they let me out.

*lots of fluids

*bland, low fat diet

*more fluids

*no alcohol

Ugh yuck. I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying SO hard to not drink. I slipped on Memorial Day with a few sips. Nothing since. Few puffs on some weed here and there but that won’t kill me the way that booze will. Trying to take the edge off with that instead of vodka or Xanax. It really does help, although TH has definitely pointed out that I’m spacey and probably frying my memory. I guess I’m in a lose/lose situation.

Something I’ve totally noticed being sober is all of my friendships. I have about 4 groups right off the top of my head that I can think of. Prior to getting sober…I just had friends. No groups; no differences.

1. My drunk friends. These are the friends that I have SO much fun with! The best. This does not mean that *they* are drunk. This means that I am, and these are the people I can call or text at 10pm, 12am, hell…2am and ask what they are doing and we meet up somewhere. And we have the BEST time. We laugh so hard it hurts. We cry from laughing and telling our old childhood stories. I think we might say goodnight? Maybe not. Maybe we blackout. Maybe they don’t, but I do.

2. The Helpers. I think I have one or two. And if they read this, they know who they are. It’s the ones that had fun with me, but watched me fall. They wanted to help me. They wanted to help me SO. MANY. TIMES…..no one could help me but me. I know that and I wish they did too. I know they feel bad they couldn’t fix me. We all had a ton of fun together. I did this on my own, guys. Please don’t EVER put guilt on yourself.

3. The One & Only Best Friend….girl, you know who you are. Ever since we met at my beauty school. If you only knew what you were getting into with this mess. My god, we have soooooo many stories and laughs. If I think about all the trouble we’ve gotten into together over the last 15 years I’ll die laughing. All the inside jokes (haven’t picked up the mail yet), the actual heartbreak. The tears. Thank you for never judging me even when you told me you didn’t think I had a problem, but knew there was. I love you forever, LM.

4. The new friends. Starting this blog has helped me and been more therapeutic to me than any counseling or doctors appointments. I’ve had strangers reach out to me and thank me for putting things into words that they can’t…wow!!! I will forever be thankful and I appreciate every single word you say to me. There’s also a few people there that I’ve been friends with since before I got sober. Now that I am, we’ve become so much closer. Please know, I couldn’t do this without you. Your friendship and support has literally gotten me through this crap. You know who you are.

I’m sorry it’s been a while before I posted. I’m getting back on it. Thanks for reading.