Fresh Start

It’s been a while since my last post. There’s been a few things going on that I really didn’t know how to put into words. I still dont.

I’ve had a few doctors appointments this week. First one was with a therapist. I’ve tried therapy three times before and hated it. I seem to like this therapist. I laid it alllllll out on the line. She seems to get it. Only shitty thing is what she suggested.

-continued weekly therapy

-back to AA

-psychiatrist, proper diagnosis and meds

-my person favorite 🙄 intensive outpatient therapy for the dual-diagnosis. I’ve learned that means people that not only have a mental issue but also a history of substance abuse. Hi, that’s me.

I did set up another appointment with her cause I really like her and never liked any therapists except for my son’s, but sadly this isn’t a Friends episode when Ross still sees his pediatrician in his 30’s. I need a grown-up doctor. So I like her and I rebooked.

Yesterday’s appointment was different. It was my psych evaluation and time to get the actual diagnosis.

Turns out it actually IS what WebMd said (major first). Bipolar II with my main symptom is being hypomanic. I guess this means it’s not the usual up-down-up-down that you hear of when you or I hear “Bipolar”. I also didn’t know there were 5 different kinds. I always heard the word and thought it meant “crazy”. Although now typing it out when I asked if I was crazy she DID use the air quotes when she said I’m not crazy.

So I did some research on what all this means and its really me exactly. I dont want this diagnosis. But I also didn’t want to be an alcoholic. No one grows up and says “I want to be an alcoholic when I’m older” or “you know what? Hopefully I’m bipolar someday!” What I’m realizing now is there’s a major crossover between those two. When I was drinking I could make the lows more tolerable. Now I have to feel them.

I love my new psychiatrist. I think she gets me. She knows I’m nuts but not actually crazy. She’s funny. I started my new medication today. Cheers (with my lemonade) to moving upwards and onwards.