What Day is It?

My mind is going a million miles a minute.

But my body can’t get off the couch. I feel frozen. I cant move. I have so much to do, so I’ll do nothing instead. I don’t even know what day it is.

What I want to do is go to the closest liquor store and buy my Smirnoff and make it help me fall asleep. That probably won’t help with my ulcers.

Or my sobriety.

A lot of Dr appointments set up in the next few weeks. All very close to work and home so ideally I’m going for intensive outpatient treatment.

On the plus side, even though I know it is not for the healthiest reason, I saw on the scale today I’m literally 5 lbs from my goal weight. I know it’s cause I’m not eating. My skin is dry and I’m losing a lot of hair. But seeing that number on the scale made me happy. Again, how fucking messed up is that? Don’t care. I’m getting skinny again.

Totally different subject but TH’s sister had to put her dog down yesterday. I do not like dogs. I do not like animals. For some reason I liked him. I think a lot of my spiraling started when we lost our Louie. He was only 4 and this is reminding me of the pain our family first had our hearts truly broken. I miss him so much. Knowing that my niece and nephew have done this 3x already…..tears are falling right now.

I’m rambling and I know it. I need sleep. It’s 1:30am and I’m predicting I’ll get tired around 6:00. About an hour before I need to get up. I do know that there are people that can relate to that feeling.