Rollercoaster of a day…

So I tried to blog last night and fell asleep with my phone in my hand. No idea where I get that from (thanks Mom). Today, after my doctors appts is probably a better time to explain anyway.

Went in at 9:00am for my assessment. Sooooooo not what I expected right off the bat. As soon as I filled out the normal doctor’s office paperwork (name, bday, insurance info, emergency contact bullshit) they took the clipboard, along with my purse, phone, watch, and had me empty my pockets. Everything went into a locker. I was shockingly allowed to keep my Kleenex in my pocket.

So you know on TV when someone gets arrested and there’s that room that they do all the questioning in? If there were cuffs in the table it would have been the same thing. Four walls, no windows, no clocks, nothing. Just a room. The girl doing the assessment was super nice. The next part is why is why I had to leave. But definitely felt like and an interrogation.

“So if you agree to do this assessment, you are signing saying you agree to whatever treatment we think is best”. I think I said well what the hell does they mean……

Basically if they think I’m an addict, crazy or a harm to others or a danger to myself, they can put my into inpatient. Well…..let’s check these boxes. Addict? Check. Crazy? Pretty sure check. Harm to others? Normally I’d say no but I almost and possibly beat my arch nemesis’ ass last week and not allowed back in the store. Danger to myself, no. I have too many people that love me, don’t know why, but I would not do that to them. As selfish as I am, I wouldn’t do that to them.

I didn’t agree to the assessment.i don’t need to be admitted and have them calling TH and my parents and basically saying I’m locked up for 4-6 weeks. She was nice about it. Gave me a whole list of psychiatrists, psychologists, and AA programs. I think that’s where I gotta start now. Tomorrow I start making calls. I know I need help. But I’m not hiding behind the “disease’.

So this show Euphoria….I really don’t think I’ve ever related to something more.

“I didn’t build this system. Nor did I fuck it up.

What happens…..when your breath starts to slow…and every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have. Everything stops. Your heart, your body….and finally your brain.”

And then she smiles.

“And everything you feel, and wish, and want to forget….

“Suddenly, you get the air again.”

That, my friends, is addiction. I know most of you won’t understand. It’s ok not to. But that’s the best way I’ve seen someone put it into some sort of words.

Mid day today was not good. TH is never going to forgive me or trust me again. I’m trying to fix it but I’m also trying to fix me. Cannot fix any of this until i get betters I’m trying so hard. The day ended good. Got to meet a few friends out and had fun and laughed my ass off. No drinks. Laughed so hard I fell off my chair. And sober!

The thing is for a non addict…..they just want you to be smarter. Just don’t drink. Make better decisions. I’m sorry…. but fucking DUH. Reminds me of before I had my surgery and idiots would ask if I tried diet and exercise….NO! Thank you sooooo much for that new advice I never heard of or thought of before! They don’t know how actually crippling it is. And when you’re a drunk, you don’t get hungover anymore. But something happens to your body where you don’t feel anything, and feel everything at once. It’s awful and perfect.

I’ve lost a lot of friends because of this. I know I’m losing family. I’m trying.

Please try to be patient with me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you all.

Few of you know exactly who I’m talking to. No more knocking me off the chairs, Joy 😉