So it’s been a while since my last blog. I’m sorry. It’s been a weird week since “vacation”. I had a doctors appointment set up for last week. I had an entire list of things to talk about. Why my damn stomach always hurts, why my anti-depressants aren’t helping, and hoping she can tell me I’m not crazy.

She was more concerned about my stomach than anything. Said we need to figure that out and then work on everything else. I was a little pissed but i guess when I walk in not able to stand up straight that’s the Primary’s main concern.

She sent me right downstairs to the ER. I’m so damn tired of the hospital. I know TH is too. I feel like at this point everyone thinks I’m crying wolf. Im not. I swear. Had an upper scope. My pouch (nothing technically goes through my stomach anymore) is lined with ulcers. Awesome.

My stomach still is killing me cause my insurance will only cover tablets, not the liquid. That’s what I need because of my gastric bypass. We have amazing insurance. Don’t know why they won’t just give it to me. In the meantime of waiting on dr calls and insurance calls I’m eating half a bottle of Tums and chugging Mylanta like a bottle of vodka. Oh, how I miss you, my love.

Yesterday was TH’s birthday. Him and my boys LOVE Buffalo Wild Wings. It kills my stomach now but if that’s what the fam wants, that’s what the fam gets. It took me, no shit, half hour to figure out what to order. Got a salad even though I know it’d kill me. Great salad. Been in pain all day today. No matter what I *think* and hope i really hope he had a good birthday. I really tried. I tried as much as my world is letting me right now.

Now, back to my own shit. I started watching the show Euphoria. I’ve never felt more connected and relatable to something so fast. Props to Zendaya! This little Disney girl can act. I wont go into the all details but for the non-addicts…….please watch the opening scenes. 6 minutes and 39 seconds to be exact. I’ve never been able to put it into words. Somehow she did. It hit and hit me hard. That’s how it IS.

After the ulcer sitch I realized nothing was taken care of as far as my meds and mental state. I set up an appointment for Wednesday for a dual-diagnosis assessment. There are three different kinds. Mental issues (✋🏻), substance abuse issues (✋🏻again), and both. Sadly I know I need help with both.

That’s the first step though, right?

Also a few shout outs. You know who you are, besides my amazing parents,The Mom and The Tom. And my Mark……my rock. You know I could not do any of this without you. L, M, H, S, A, J, N, and someone that’s really been there recently, M. Thank you all for being there for me.

I’m trying to get better. I promise. I’m gonna be better, and soon.

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