Wasn’t ready.

God, how I wish so much that I could say how amazing this weekend was. It was our yearly little vacation. Swim, tan, eat, repeat.

I actually don’t love swimming. If I had my own pool I would. I’d lay on my float and stuff on and off and float looking up at the sky and clouds. Getting kicked in the ass cheek by some random kid and splashed hard enough to flip my contact out isn’t ideal. So I lay out and try to tan. I’m Italian. I should tan nicely. Nope. Still picking the burnt brown layer off my forehead. Damn. Self tanner on the forehead it is.

Food was sub par. Some real good, some was like microwaved pizza.

Now I’ll get to the rough part. While I was enjoying my tanning and reading my fun new book….I couldn’t stop seeing all the drinks. ALL the drinks. They all looked like vodka lemonades. They weren’t. There were margaritas. Sangrias. Fucking beer. I hate beer. But they all looked like vodka lemonades.

I counted 37 in about 2 hours. Got in the pool to try to distract myself from all the fun the groups around me were talking about. I could hear the blast they were having. Hell…..I could almost feel it. Went to TH and my boys who are all having a blast even without me. The DJ starts playing an awesome playlist. All the normal wedding group dances. I’m looking up there at this group of about 10 people. All doing the cha-cha slide and all those. I should be up there! I want to go up and dance with them. Almost did. I was already trying in the pool (a lot harder than you’d think). I’ve never done it without a drink.

Ever.

So I decide I’ll get a virgin drink. Just to hold and sip and somehow pretend. TH wants a drink too. So I went to the bar. That was fun. 😐 I order his beer and ordered myself a half orange juice, half cranberry. Put a lime on the rim and a cherry to feel all fancy and shit.

I go to the pool. Hand TH his drink. “You sure there’s nothing in yours?” He asks. Ouch number one. Ouch number two was when he wanted to taste it first to prove it. At this point I’m like fuck it. Give it to the kids. Im realizing I’m not going to be trusted to be sober again. Obviously no pool dancing for me.

Went to dinner the next night. I asked him can I have a glass of wine. No vodka. Just a drink on vaca. He was not happy. Said what a bad idea it is. So I started making deals with him and myself. “Only on vacation”. He finally rolled his eyes in a way that I swear said “whatever”.

So I did. I had two glasses of wine. They tasted great. Didn’t get buzzed even. I think my tolerance has been gone for a while.

I know I failed yet again. But I cannot tell you the last time I had two drinks and stopped.

I’m trying here. That’s all I can say, that’s all I can do.

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