Wtf is going on

I made a doctors appointment. I’m not feeling good lately. Not in a physically sick way but in an emotional way. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety years and years ago. But something is off. I’ve been having so many highs and lows lately. I don’t think it’s from quitting drinking (well maybe a little) but I think when I drank I could turn the lows into highs. I hate this feeling. When I’m at work I can turn it all off. Focus on my client and nothing else. But then I get in the car, come home and I’m all over the place. I feel overwhelmed with the smallest of tasks. I have so much to do, so I do nothing instead.

I’ve been on many different antidepressants before but something always goes wrong with them. Also there’s a lot I cannot take because of my surgery. Things don’t digest the same for me the way they do for someone with a normal stomach. The meds either work for a while and I don’t think I need them so wean off and then the withdrawals are awful, or when I take them I’m numb, or have horrible horrible nightmares. Every damn night. To the point where I try not to sleep because I don’t want to enter that world again. I hate the meds. I hope the Dr has a different idea. Other than therapy. Hate that too. Running out of options. I know.

I’ve been doing some searching online (I know, I know) and one thing keeps popping out. Bipolar disorder. I’m scared of this diagnosis for a few reasons. One, more meds. Two, it’s hereditary. It does happen to run in my family so it could very much make sense. This also means I could pass it down to my boys. It could already be in their blood. I just had to make the older son an appointment for a therapist because he’s sad all the time. I’m so thankful we are close enough that he talked to me about it. Not before the school psychologist called to tell me, though.

I often wonder if it’s my fault. Am I fucking up so bad around here my kids are seeing it? They probably are. And I hate myself even more for it.

I’m not sure what to do here. I guess making the appointment with my doctor is the first step. But UGH, it’s 10:00am on a Tuesday morning and I could use a drink. I won’t, but God….I miss it.

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