Am I Sober? Am I Clean? Or Neither?

Three weeks ago today I had my last drink.

It’s been awful. I feel like shit. I’m tired all the time. I’m shaky, I’m sore. I’m having trouble remembering conversations and situations. I’m nauseous all the time. I haven’t gotten my period in over 6 weeks. Have I broken my body? Have I fried that many of my brain cells?

I remembered a few things today. As far as the shakiness, the forgetfulness, the fatigue….I’ve been extremely anemic my entire life but way more since my gastric bypass. I was hospitalized in January from pneumonia and while I was there I needes 2 blood transfusions and 5 iron infusions. Over 7 days.

Actually took a pregnancy test yesterday because I realized how late I was. I’m *never* late. I can basically tell you what hour that bitch is coming. It was a day worth of stress and although I’m thankful I saw the “not pregnant” flashing….in a tiny way I was hoping it was positive. Not cause I want a baby. But because then I’d would have NO CHOICE but to not drink for the next 9 months.

I was anxious all last night. I’m sure it was because of that little roller coaster. Then I start wondering why don’t I have my period. Did I do that much damage to my body? Or almost worse….am I starting menopause??!! Fuck, that’s more than enough to make me start craving a drink… or ten.

Anyway I started thinking that I need a different way to cope with my stress and addiction tendencies. I wish I could have my middle brother’s brain and will power. While this sibling (hand raised as high as it gets) has her stomach stapled, he is the most dedicated, determined and in the best shape of anyone I know. Why can’t I just decide to be addicted to the gym and eating healthy?

Back on Keto tomorrow, of course.

Ok now here’s the big question. I know I’m done drinking. Can I smoke weed? Can I try to get my medical card? Or will that make me not sober anymore…

Is there a way to be sober from alcohol and not clean from marijuana? What if it’s the medicinal form? I can die from the booze. It was hurting my organs. The things I need to LIVE. If I’m being safe and legal with pot, am I still sober? Or does that take my sobriety away? I don’t know how this works. I mean if I’m on antidepressants and Xanax…am I clean? As long as I’m being safe, with my husband at home with me, I’m not driving….is this wrong? I’m not gonna die from taking the edge off with a few puffs from a vaporizer here and there. I could die from my liver and pancreas shutting down.

Tonight I am drinking plain-ass lemonade out of a wine glass. It’s not doing the trick but it’s helping. I felt kinda stupid but TH said his grandmother carried around a fake cigarette for 10 years after quitting smoking. So from me to you, as I take fake-ass sips of fake-ass vodka lemonade,

Clink. Cheers.

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