My First Sober Holiday

Figures the first holiday I can’t drink on was a day honoring no other than….myself. Totally joking. I don’t deserve a day, let alone a holiday for myself.

We moved last November. Not by choice, yet again, but I’ll get more into that later. We love this new place. My parents haven’t been able to see it since we moved but they said they could come see it this weekend after our Mother’s Day Brunch so TH and I spent the entire weekend cleaning and getting ready to show off our new place.

It’s clean. It smells good. I can look around and think, damn, I really love it here! Before I head to bed on Saturday night, I jokingly ask the three men in the house “so, what did you guys get me for Mother’s Day?”

The kids went silent. Didn’t look up from their phones. T.H. thinks he’s making a joke and says to me, “you’re not my Mother.”

Maybe I’m being over-emotional. Maybe I’m PMS’ing. But this hurt. Hurt baaad. I guess it could have been kinda funny if there was an actual plan behind the joke. Maybe there was a romantic card stashed somewhere saying how much he loved me. Maybe there was a gift somewhere that I didn’t need but would have been a fun surprise. Maybe there was breakfast in bed. Maybe all of them could tell me how much they love me.

But I knew that wasn’t the case. So I didn’t find the “joke” funny. It pissed me off. I fall asleep with my cheeks crusty from the dried tears on my cheeks.

I woke up on Sunday and T.H. was feeling bad. I could tell. I think I may have overreacted. I’m mean, that’s not like me, right? LOL.

Sunday morning was fun. Mother’s Day morning I have my alarm set to make sure I can get the house clean enough to show it off for the first time. Looked pretty good, besides the 6 loads of unfolded laundry jammed in my master bath. I finally jump in the shower to get ready (after sweating my ass off after scrubbing the bathrooms and vacuuming the entire house; Happy Mother’s Day to me) to see my parents and brother and sister in law that I haven’t seen since Christmas. Well, of course I left all my hair supplies at the salon. Fuck it. Hair is going in a wet bun. God, what I would not give for a mimosa.

The food at this brunch was amazing! So much food. There was eggs, pancakes, bacon, hash browns, prime rib at the carving station, an entire ROOM for desserts and sweets. You know what got me though? The 20-something young blonde girl at the table behind us. She had 2 mimosas and then a glass of wine. I would have pushed my husband to the floor and put my kids against the wall if I was allowed to take a few sips of that wine. It was very loud in there on Sunday morning. So many families. So many laughs. Hugs, laughter, joy for so many people. Wanna know what I heard? The clinking of the bottle hitting that girl’s champagne flute from 25 feet away. I felt a little stab in my side with each clink. An even deeper stab when I heard “Cheers!”

It’s ok though. The parents come over after, see the new home I’ve made for myself. They like it. As I do too. Love it here. Is it awful to wonder how I’ll mess this up, too?

I guess the hardest part of the day was when I had to run to the store and get a few things for dinner and the kids’ lunches for Monday. As I’m leaving, and I should’ve been ready for this….T.H. says “would it be awful if I asked you to grab me a few drinks?”

It’s not awful. This is MY problem. No one else’s. Not his. He shouldn’t be punished because I’m a drunk. It did hurt though. He had no idea how much those “clink’s” killed me all day. Or how I actually cried in the shower that morning because I was mourning the mimosa’s I wasn’t allowed to have at brunch. How I looked at every single family member wishing I had that kind of self control. It was like watching a movie. I literally looked at each person sitting at that table wondering two things. One, how can you just do that and be ok? How do you not have that magnet…that thing that overpowers you and takes up 110% of your mind? And two, are you also sitting there judging me?…..because I would be.

At the end of the day, these are all my own demons. My husband and kids got up in the morning and helped me with whatever I asked them to. We went to an awesome brunch with my parents, brothers and my own family. Then we came home and watched a movie and had root beer floats and popcorn with my boys.

Who could possibly complain over that?

One thought on “My First Sober Holiday

  1. Oh Kelly! How I feel for you! I had no idea how it must feel. It will get easier and I’m so happy you are able to find the silver lining in each day. It is not easy and the firsts of everything will be as challenging.


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