Day 11

I’m reading back on my first three posts. Dude, I’m all over the place. I wish I knew how to answer all of your questions. Thank you so much for all of your messages, and I WILL reply to every single one of them by this weekend. I cannot thank you all for the support and positive feedback. It’s weird putting myself out there like this. But it’s actually making me excited about something, which is rare. So thank you.

I will eventually get into more of my demise…haha. I’m kidding. It’s not that dramatic. But in the mean time I’m going to share with you something I’m actually really terrified about right now.

Future events.

I’m scared as all hell. I’m actually terrified. Memorial Day is coming up. For the last few years we partied at our friends’ house. This year, my friend’s one daughter is graduating Junior High, and her other daughter has a birthday coming up this week. I consider these two girls my “pretend daughters”. It’s gonna be a party. I don’t exactly know why this is going to be so hard. Well, yeah that’s a lie. The last few years whenever there is a social event….whether it be someone’s birthday, or…shit, I’m trying to think of all the events. Birthdays. Holidays. All holidays. Even the fake ones. Oh it’s Casmir Pulaski Day? Let’s celebrate! Eventually this turned into, oh, it’s Tuesday? Let’s celebrate.

I’m not really sure how to be sober at events. I did it once before. I was sober for a year and I went to AA every week. Almost a year. I think it was 11 months and about 5 days. That year mark scared the shit out of me. I didn’t deserve that coin. I did not deserve that praise. So I drank again.

T.H. (that’s what I’m going to call my husband in this blog. *The Husband*) and I are trying to figure out a mini vaca for the family this summer. I should be so excited and thrilled, right? A nice family vacation to the Dells or something. The last 38 hours have consisted of my brain trying to figure out how I will able to have fun without drinking on vacation. A mini family trip to a water slide park. What the hell is wrong with me? Normal people don’t worry about that. I should be more worried that the days of my boys wanting to spend time with me are rare. I should be sad that their beautiful little faces that are coming down those water slides with pure joy and happiness are soon going to turn into teenage angst. Instead, I’m upset that I cant drink on vacation. How disgusting is that?

I’m honestly scared. I know I’ll be ok. But I guess I’m sad too. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just have a few drinks and that’s all? Why couldn’t I have a piece or two of pizza and not eat the entire fucking thing….

Things are going to have to get better. They have to. Once you hit rock bottom, the only other option is up.

I’m going up.

2 thoughts on “Day 11

  1. Kelly, I am so proud of you! You are seriously a great writer. I can feel how scared you are, how angry at yourself, and how much you love TH and the boys even when they forget Mother’s Day. (I would have cried too, and I don’t even have kids.) Your descriptions are beautiful and you’re right, the only way forward is up. Sending you love, light, and great mocktail recipes. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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