Wasn’t ready.

God, how I wish so much that I could say how amazing this weekend was. It was our yearly little vacation. Swim, tan, eat, repeat.

I actually don’t love swimming. If I had my own pool I would. I’d lay on my float and stuff on and off and float looking up at the sky and clouds. Getting kicked in the ass cheek by some random kid and splashed hard enough to flip my contact out isn’t ideal. So I lay out and try to tan. I’m Italian. I should tan nicely. Nope. Still picking the burnt brown layer off my forehead. Damn. Self tanner on the forehead it is.

Food was sub par. Some real good, some was like microwaved pizza.

Now I’ll get to the rough part. While I was enjoying my tanning and reading my fun new book….I couldn’t stop seeing all the drinks. ALL the drinks. They all looked like vodka lemonades. They weren’t. There were margaritas. Sangrias. Fucking beer. I hate beer. But they all looked like vodka lemonades.

I counted 37 in about 2 hours. Got in the pool to try to distract myself from all the fun the groups around me were talking about. I could hear the blast they were having. Hell…..I could almost feel it. Went to TH and my boys who are all having a blast even without me. The DJ starts playing an awesome playlist. All the normal wedding group dances. I’m looking up there at this group of about 10 people. All doing the cha-cha slide and all those. I should be up there! I want to go up and dance with them. Almost did. I was already trying in the pool (a lot harder than you’d think). I’ve never done it without a drink.

Ever.

So I decide I’ll get a virgin drink. Just to hold and sip and somehow pretend. TH wants a drink too. So I went to the bar. That was fun. 😐 I order his beer and ordered myself a half orange juice, half cranberry. Put a lime on the rim and a cherry to feel all fancy and shit.

I go to the pool. Hand TH his drink. “You sure there’s nothing in yours?” He asks. Ouch number one. Ouch number two was when he wanted to taste it first to prove it. At this point I’m like fuck it. Give it to the kids. Im realizing I’m not going to be trusted to be sober again. Obviously no pool dancing for me.

Went to dinner the next night. I asked him can I have a glass of wine. No vodka. Just a drink on vaca. He was not happy. Said what a bad idea it is. So I started making deals with him and myself. “Only on vacation”. He finally rolled his eyes in a way that I swear said “whatever”.

So I did. I had two glasses of wine. They tasted great. Didn’t get buzzed even. I think my tolerance has been gone for a while.

I know I failed yet again. But I cannot tell you the last time I had two drinks and stopped.

I’m trying here. That’s all I can say, that’s all I can do.

Vacation

Welp, we are here. T.H. and the boys are having- blast swimming. I’m working on my tan. Hopefully the weather keeps up.

Not gonna be a long post. All I know is it seems like everyone around me is drinking. In the pools, the chairs, the elevators.

I literally don’t know how to vacation without a drink. The LAST thing i want to do is ruin a family vacation pouting. But honestly. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

It’s haunting.

July 4th. 2019

I’m not counting how many days I’m sober anymore. Seems like eventually it will just be a let down. May something, probably about 2 months now.

4th of July has always been one of my favorite holidays. Swim, tan, drink….and then drunk. I truly don’t know how to do this today. T.H. even said no one else will be drinking, but it literally has nothing to do with anyone else. It’s all me. All me.

I was supposed to work all day today and go to the party later for fireworks but something happened at the salon and I’m not able to get in today. So now I really have to go to the family party. I should want to be with my family on a holiday. Honestly all I want to do is stay in bed and watch my shows. I don’t want to bring the dog cause I think he’d be more comfortable at home with the fireworks going off.

I just want to be alone.

We’re going out of town this weekend. That’s another reason I was going to work all day today, to have some fun money. Now that fun money isn’t an option anymore.

I just feel like nothing ever works out right. Why can’t I just be normal and happy?

Sorry for the bitch fest so early. I just had to get it off my chest. I hope everyone has a great holiday and be safe. I won’t be drinking, but this girl here is gonna be tan as hell by Monday. 👙🌞

Wtf is going on

I made a doctors appointment. I’m not feeling good lately. Not in a physically sick way but in an emotional way. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety years and years ago. But something is off. I’ve been having so many highs and lows lately. I don’t think it’s from quitting drinking (well maybe a little) but I think when I drank I could turn the lows into highs. I hate this feeling. When I’m at work I can turn it all off. Focus on my client and nothing else. But then I get in the car, come home and I’m all over the place. I feel overwhelmed with the smallest of tasks. I have so much to do, so I do nothing instead.

I’ve been on many different antidepressants before but something always goes wrong with them. Also there’s a lot I cannot take because of my surgery. Things don’t digest the same for me the way they do for someone with a normal stomach. The meds either work for a while and I don’t think I need them so wean off and then the withdrawals are awful, or when I take them I’m numb, or have horrible horrible nightmares. Every damn night. To the point where I try not to sleep because I don’t want to enter that world again. I hate the meds. I hope the Dr has a different idea. Other than therapy. Hate that too. Running out of options. I know.

I’ve been doing some searching online (I know, I know) and one thing keeps popping out. Bipolar disorder. I’m scared of this diagnosis for a few reasons. One, more meds. Two, it’s hereditary. It does happen to run in my family so it could very much make sense. This also means I could pass it down to my boys. It could already be in their blood. I just had to make the older son an appointment for a therapist because he’s sad all the time. I’m so thankful we are close enough that he talked to me about it. Not before the school psychologist called to tell me, though.

I often wonder if it’s my fault. Am I fucking up so bad around here my kids are seeing it? They probably are. And I hate myself even more for it.

I’m not sure what to do here. I guess making the appointment with my doctor is the first step. But UGH, it’s 10:00am on a Tuesday morning and I could use a drink. I won’t, but God….I miss it.

Summer Goals

Well, my New Year’s resolution was a bust. I don’t even remember what it was but I know not much has changed since December 31st. So now as we head into summer months, I have a few goals and they will be my mid-year’s resolutions.

1. I NEED to get back into Ketosis. I feel miserable eating all the junk food I have been eating. The transition into Keto is a dick and a half, but once I can fight through that Keto Flu, I know I will feel so much better. I’m 20 lbs from my goal weight. I got this, duh.

2. Start working out again, already! My brother is an amazing trainer and he knows the amount of stress and anxiety I’ve been dealing with, so he’s having me come to his boxing class tomorrow. I can’t wait to beat the crap out of something. Doesn’t even matter what. Give me some gloves and point me towards a bag, a person, shit…give me a tree. I’m gonna take some anger out on it. At least I can do that instead of lunging at my arch nemesis in the grocery store and get asked not to come back (not as if that happened recently or anything). Gimme something to hit. I think it will help.

3. Get my business up and going. Well, it’s up. I need to fill my books. I’ll advertise, I’ll solicit, I’ll do whatever it takes, but when I quit the corporate world I promised myself I would make this work, and be successful. I need this to work. Doing hair is honestly my passion. I love it. I dream about ideas. How many people can say that 20 years into their career? I can. I love it. I’m great at it. I need to make this a success. And I will.

4. Fix my relationships. There’s so many I have to repair. I could scroll through my contacts and write apology letters to so many people. Although I have so many individual things to apologize and ask for forgiveness for, they will all end the same. “I’m sorry I am a shitty friend (sister/daughter/mother/wife). I’m sorry I left you when I should have been by you. I’m sorry I put my own needs above you needing me. I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’m sorry I’m a drunk. I’m trying to get better. I miss you. I love you.” The very last line should ask “please forgive me.” I think I’m too scared to put that one in there. I know a lot of them won’t want to, or can’t forgive me.

5. This one is going to be the absolute hardest. Quit hating myself. Not sure what it’s going to take for this to happen. Maybe if I fix the other ones this will be a little easier. I know there’s that saying “you can’t love anyone else unless you love yourself.” Well, I’m calling bullshit. I love so many people in my life. That’s WHY I need to try to forgive and love myself.

Hopefully this summer I can work on these. Maybe even be successful with them. While getting a nice tan, of course.

Teach me how to walk again…

I am such a baby. I know that. I am awful with physical pain and emotional pain. I promise you that’s why I got into every single addiction problem in my life, whether it was food, pills or alcohol. The tiniest hint of me being slightly uncomfortable and I needed to make that feeling go away, no matter what.

It’s weird, when you have your babies, or growing up, you remember all the big milestones. Rolling over, sitting up, walking, talking. Well, friends….here’s my proof of what a baby I am.

I’m don’t feel good. I’m sick, waaaah. I have the fifth migraine of my entire life. I’m being a big ole BABY.

I felt myself getting super crabby the last few days but it wasn’t until I woke up at 2am this morning with the feeling someone was sitting on me trying to squeeze my brains out of my ears like trying to pop a damn zit. I tossed around for an hour. Then I somehow from two rooms away caught a whiff of one of my teenage sons’ BO. Nope. Nopety nope, NOPE. I had to actually jump out of bed so fast I tripped on whatever was on the floor and *crawl* to the toilet. Puked for 5 minutes. Nothing to puke up…realized I haven’t eaten more than a few bites in the last 48 hours. This continues until 11:30am. I finally get the strength to put on pants, my glasses, and chapstick cause my lips are peeling now. I’m getting dehydrated.

Force a Gatorade, a handful of Pizza flavored Goldfish, and an anti-nausea pill down.

Guys…..here’s the milestone. I don’t remember how to deal with not feeling good. I don’t remember how to be sick! If I had a migraine or any other minor pains I could have a few drinks and made that the excuse. If I had a cold or cough, whiskey always helped it. So now, I am forced to feel the pain and how much “being uncomfortable” is.

Hate it. I know this is how normal people without addiction issues actually live. But here I literally feel like a baby that is learning how to walk or something. I don’t know to do this. TH and the kids are at a family party because I could barely walk down the stairs from the dizziness. What a comparison. “Be careful! Don’t fall down!”

I can’t “walk” yet. I’m working on it. But I’m still learning, and I don’t want to fall.

Puff, puff…..Thanks.

Ok, this is gonna be a different kind of post. I’m not struggling with being sober today. I’m not struggling with anxiety at the moment. I don’t need a drink and I don’t need a Xanax. Why?

Cause I’m high.

Yep, I put down the vodka. I put down the pills. I took two puffs an hour ago. I don’t work today. TH is home. Kids are safe. I am finally able to relax.

Why the hell this is barely legal, but the poison that almost made my body shut down is….I don’t know.

Anyway….nice fun blog (at least for me!) instead of another dark one.

🌱🌿🌱🌿