It’s Been a Minute.

I really had all the best intentions of starting this blog. I wanted to write all the time, a few times a week. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written. When I’m happy I tend to get Writer’s Block. A lot has changed in me, and I officially have the “block”, so please bear with me.

After my new diagnosis of Bipolar II I started on a new medication. I honestly feel like it’s helping me so much. I don’t wake up every day thinking “Shit, another day.” Maybe it’s the meds, maybe it’s therapy, maybe it’s the new friends I’ve made going through this shit that have made that grey cloud continue to scoot over so I can see a little more sun.

I’ve had a few slips. I haven’t been sober the entire time. Wish I could say I have been but it’s been a stressful fucking few weeks. I have not gotten drunk. At most I had a drink and a half. So yeah, to some, I’ve failed. To a lot, I’ve failed. But to me….I cannot remember the last time I had 1.5 drinks and dumped the rest. Baby steps? I don’t know.

Something is changing though. I am changing. My parents have been my heroes. My friends and family have saved me. My brothers…..all of them have gotten me through this. My boys will know when they are old enough for me to have real conversations with them about this. I’ll sadly have to watch them and tell them how careful they have to be now too. I may have passed this down to them, and most likely.

I’ve been sleeping better. I actually fall asleep instead of passing out now. I’m learning I deserve to be happy without being a drunk. I haven’t been the best of a person in the past. But I’m trying OH so hard, and I think I might be getting better.

A few months ago I couldn’t picture my future. As morbid as this sounds, I just didn’t think I had one. Tonight, I look forward to my future. I see bright things ahead. That fucking cloud is finally moving out of the way, and I’m seeing the sun again.

Fresh Start

It’s been a while since my last post. There’s been a few things going on that I really didn’t know how to put into words. I still dont.

I’ve had a few doctors appointments this week. First one was with a therapist. I’ve tried therapy three times before and hated it. I seem to like this therapist. I laid it alllllll out on the line. She seems to get it. Only shitty thing is what she suggested.

-continued weekly therapy

-back to AA

-psychiatrist, proper diagnosis and meds

-my person favorite 🙄 intensive outpatient therapy for the dual-diagnosis. I’ve learned that means people that not only have a mental issue but also a history of substance abuse. Hi, that’s me.

I did set up another appointment with her cause I really like her and never liked any therapists except for my son’s, but sadly this isn’t a Friends episode when Ross still sees his pediatrician in his 30’s. I need a grown-up doctor. So I like her and I rebooked.

Yesterday’s appointment was different. It was my psych evaluation and time to get the actual diagnosis.

Turns out it actually IS what WebMd said (major first). Bipolar II with my main symptom is being hypomanic. I guess this means it’s not the usual up-down-up-down that you hear of when you or I hear “Bipolar”. I also didn’t know there were 5 different kinds. I always heard the word and thought it meant “crazy”. Although now typing it out when I asked if I was crazy she DID use the air quotes when she said I’m not crazy.

So I did some research on what all this means and its really me exactly. I dont want this diagnosis. But I also didn’t want to be an alcoholic. No one grows up and says “I want to be an alcoholic when I’m older” or “you know what? Hopefully I’m bipolar someday!” What I’m realizing now is there’s a major crossover between those two. When I was drinking I could make the lows more tolerable. Now I have to feel them.

I love my new psychiatrist. I think she gets me. She knows I’m nuts but not actually crazy. She’s funny. I started my new medication today. Cheers (with my lemonade) to moving upwards and onwards.

What Day is It?

My mind is going a million miles a minute.

But my body can’t get off the couch. I feel frozen. I cant move. I have so much to do, so I’ll do nothing instead. I don’t even know what day it is.

What I want to do is go to the closest liquor store and buy my Smirnoff and make it help me fall asleep. That probably won’t help with my ulcers.

Or my sobriety.

A lot of Dr appointments set up in the next few weeks. All very close to work and home so ideally I’m going for intensive outpatient treatment.

On the plus side, even though I know it is not for the healthiest reason, I saw on the scale today I’m literally 5 lbs from my goal weight. I know it’s cause I’m not eating. My skin is dry and I’m losing a lot of hair. But seeing that number on the scale made me happy. Again, how fucking messed up is that? Don’t care. I’m getting skinny again.

Totally different subject but TH’s sister had to put her dog down yesterday. I do not like dogs. I do not like animals. For some reason I liked him. I think a lot of my spiraling started when we lost our Louie. He was only 4 and this is reminding me of the pain our family first had our hearts truly broken. I miss him so much. Knowing that my niece and nephew have done this 3x already…..tears are falling right now.

I’m rambling and I know it. I need sleep. It’s 1:30am and I’m predicting I’ll get tired around 6:00. About an hour before I need to get up. I do know that there are people that can relate to that feeling.

Goodnight.

No Title for This One.

I’ve been sitting in the same place on the floor since 10:30am. Folding about 29 loads of laundry. I did take a nap, but even then woke up confused. Thought we had to take the garbage out real quick before the truck came. It was 6:30…..pm.

My body isn’t cooperating and neither is my brain. My heart is trying. I’m gonna need some help. I’ve been researching grants and financial help because I think I need real help. I need to get put in somewhere for a little bit. I’m not healthy. Don’t know exactly when this happened but I am not ok. I’m not a danger to myself so maybe I can do an outpatient thing. All I know is I stared at the same part of the floor today for about 40 min before I snapped out of it. And even then I didn’t know how to move.

I told TH that I am going to need to go in somewhere….I know he’s trying to understand but we’re both very scared of finances. I swear if that wasn’t the issue I could get better. I truly don’t know how to in the mean time.

I don’t know exactly what is wrong. I have a great husband, two amazing boys and my life is great. What else do I need? Something is wrong in my noggin. The alcohol cravings are not going away.

I don’t know what to do. Don’t know what I’m going to do. All I know is I hate this. I’m afraid I’m at my rock bottom’s basement.

And Then There Were Four.

I remember the day my parents told us they were pregnant with my youngest brother. I knew it was coming, too. It was already me, T & W. I was totally cool with that. We had our own rooms, I don’t even remember why I hated the idea of another sibling but I did. I knew they were gonna tell us so I made them promise if we ever had another sibling we could name it Pinocchio.

I was a weird ass kid.

Well the day came. We all got called into the kitchen. I miss that kitchen. I remember the way the chairs felt. I remember the blue stains on the table from Mom doing crafts and needing to use Windex to clean up but instead, the table ate up the blue. I remember family dinners. I remember being able to see the front door from that table. Before texting and cell phones….that’s how we saw and communicated. Friends and neighbors walking to the front door. A lot of things happened in that house. That kitchen. But none quite top my amazing reaction to my parents telling me there was another baby coming.

I think I took the news pretty well.

If “pretty well” means yelling and screaming and crying and running out of that kitchen, nice tantrum, I nailed it. I knew it was coming. No idea why I was so pissed.

My mom didn’t have an easy pregnancy with him. I wish I was mature enough to understand what she was going through at the time. I would have been better to her. I was awful.

I resented the baby and my parents the entire pregnancy. I was SUCH an asshole.

One day my mom started bleeding. Bad. The ambulance had to come, and me and the current brothers went next door to the neighbors. I remember seeing herthroufh the window being taken out on a stretcher. If I remember correctly, one of us (probably me) knocked over the fish tank in a panic. RIP Fred #3.

I was mainly mad at the baby. My mom was my best friend and the baby was screwing all this up. She was mine. Not his.

Then there was the emergency c-section. My mom was losing a lot of blood, and the baby wasn’t healthy. If I remember right, I feel like the Dr’s actually had to come out and tell my Dad it didn’t look good for my mom or the baby. Bad enough where both of them might not make it.

I was in 5th grade. I was in class. An announcement came through on the speaker. “Congratulations, Kelly Hopper. Your mom just had a healthy baby brother. Can we all give a hand to the new big sister?”

Something changed. I dont know what happened. But when I met him……I fell in love. I somehow knew that my new baby brother was going to be my best friend for the rest of my life.

I remember almost feeling like he was mine. With the age difference a lot of people an thought he was. Whatever.

We did bring him with us a lot. He actually turned into my best friend. At 1 month old. More at a year. More at 3 years old. That’s when he met TH. I remember embarrassing him on his birthday at Red Lobster making them sing Happy Birthday. Omg he was so humiliated. It was awesome lol. And I know he still remembers it haha.

I’d like to say “long story short….” but I think this has been my longest blog. Let me wrap things up.

Mark is the best friend I have in my entire world. As much as I fuck up, I don’t think he judges me. Same sense of humor. That’s hard to find. In a tiny way I feel like me and TH raised him a little. I wonder if that’s why we are as close as we are.

He’s the most successful person I know. My baby brother, my Godson…..is the person I look up to more than anyone in the world. I’m so proud of what he’s done with his life. And I’m so damn thankful for who he has become to me. I tried to be there for him when he was growing up and now he’s the one holding me up when I fall. And I fall a lot.

Love you more than you’ll ever know, bro. Couldn’t get through another day without you. Thank you for being my bff. Sorry I freaked when I heard you were being born. Lol.

Rollercoaster of a day…

So I tried to blog last night and fell asleep with my phone in my hand. No idea where I get that from (thanks Mom). Today, after my doctors appts is probably a better time to explain anyway.

Went in at 9:00am for my assessment. Sooooooo not what I expected right off the bat. As soon as I filled out the normal doctor’s office paperwork (name, bday, insurance info, emergency contact bullshit) they took the clipboard, along with my purse, phone, watch, and had me empty my pockets. Everything went into a locker. I was shockingly allowed to keep my Kleenex in my pocket.

So you know on TV when someone gets arrested and there’s that room that they do all the questioning in? If there were cuffs in the table it would have been the same thing. Four walls, no windows, no clocks, nothing. Just a room. The girl doing the assessment was super nice. The next part is why is why I had to leave. But definitely felt like and an interrogation.

“So if you agree to do this assessment, you are signing saying you agree to whatever treatment we think is best”. I think I said well what the hell does they mean……

Basically if they think I’m an addict, crazy or a harm to others or a danger to myself, they can put my into inpatient. Well…..let’s check these boxes. Addict? Check. Crazy? Pretty sure check. Harm to others? Normally I’d say no but I almost and possibly beat my arch nemesis’ ass last week and not allowed back in the store. Danger to myself, no. I have too many people that love me, don’t know why, but I would not do that to them. As selfish as I am, I wouldn’t do that to them.

I didn’t agree to the assessment.i don’t need to be admitted and have them calling TH and my parents and basically saying I’m locked up for 4-6 weeks. She was nice about it. Gave me a whole list of psychiatrists, psychologists, and AA programs. I think that’s where I gotta start now. Tomorrow I start making calls. I know I need help. But I’m not hiding behind the “disease’.

So this show Euphoria….I really don’t think I’ve ever related to something more.

“I didn’t build this system. Nor did I fuck it up.

What happens…..when your breath starts to slow…and every time you breathe, you breathe out all the oxygen you have. Everything stops. Your heart, your body….and finally your brain.”

And then she smiles.

“And everything you feel, and wish, and want to forget….

“Suddenly, you get the air again.”

That, my friends, is addiction. I know most of you won’t understand. It’s ok not to. But that’s the best way I’ve seen someone put it into some sort of words.

Mid day today was not good. TH is never going to forgive me or trust me again. I’m trying to fix it but I’m also trying to fix me. Cannot fix any of this until i get betters I’m trying so hard. The day ended good. Got to meet a few friends out and had fun and laughed my ass off. No drinks. Laughed so hard I fell off my chair. And sober!

The thing is for a non addict…..they just want you to be smarter. Just don’t drink. Make better decisions. I’m sorry…. but fucking DUH. Reminds me of before I had my surgery and idiots would ask if I tried diet and exercise….NO! Thank you sooooo much for that new advice I never heard of or thought of before! They don’t know how actually crippling it is. And when you’re a drunk, you don’t get hungover anymore. But something happens to your body where you don’t feel anything, and feel everything at once. It’s awful and perfect.

I’ve lost a lot of friends because of this. I know I’m losing family. I’m trying.

Please try to be patient with me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you all.

Few of you know exactly who I’m talking to. No more knocking me off the chairs, Joy 😉

Euphoria

So it’s been a while since my last blog. I’m sorry. It’s been a weird week since “vacation”. I had a doctors appointment set up for last week. I had an entire list of things to talk about. Why my damn stomach always hurts, why my anti-depressants aren’t helping, and hoping she can tell me I’m not crazy.

She was more concerned about my stomach than anything. Said we need to figure that out and then work on everything else. I was a little pissed but i guess when I walk in not able to stand up straight that’s the Primary’s main concern.

She sent me right downstairs to the ER. I’m so damn tired of the hospital. I know TH is too. I feel like at this point everyone thinks I’m crying wolf. Im not. I swear. Had an upper scope. My pouch (nothing technically goes through my stomach anymore) is lined with ulcers. Awesome.

My stomach still is killing me cause my insurance will only cover tablets, not the liquid. That’s what I need because of my gastric bypass. We have amazing insurance. Don’t know why they won’t just give it to me. In the meantime of waiting on dr calls and insurance calls I’m eating half a bottle of Tums and chugging Mylanta like a bottle of vodka. Oh, how I miss you, my love.

Yesterday was TH’s birthday. Him and my boys LOVE Buffalo Wild Wings. It kills my stomach now but if that’s what the fam wants, that’s what the fam gets. It took me, no shit, half hour to figure out what to order. Got a salad even though I know it’d kill me. Great salad. Been in pain all day today. No matter what I *think* and hope i really hope he had a good birthday. I really tried. I tried as much as my world is letting me right now.

Now, back to my own shit. I started watching the show Euphoria. I’ve never felt more connected and relatable to something so fast. Props to Zendaya! This little Disney girl can act. I wont go into the all details but for the non-addicts…….please watch the opening scenes. 6 minutes and 39 seconds to be exact. I’ve never been able to put it into words. Somehow she did. It hit and hit me hard. That’s how it IS.

After the ulcer sitch I realized nothing was taken care of as far as my meds and mental state. I set up an appointment for Wednesday for a dual-diagnosis assessment. There are three different kinds. Mental issues (✋🏻), substance abuse issues (✋🏻again), and both. Sadly I know I need help with both.

That’s the first step though, right?

Also a few shout outs. You know who you are, besides my amazing parents,The Mom and The Tom. And my Mark……my rock. You know I could not do any of this without you. L, M, H, S, A, J, N, and someone that’s really been there recently, M. Thank you all for being there for me.

I’m trying to get better. I promise. I’m gonna be better, and soon.